


Both Sides Now

by ScarletteStar1



Category: Homeland
Genre: Anger, Character studies, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, One Shot, Saul x Carrie, Saurrie, Scene Extension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 14:29:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20311036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarletteStar1/pseuds/ScarletteStar1
Summary: Carrie has made her decision.





	Both Sides Now

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place at the end of season 2, in "The Choice."

She isn't sure what she is thinking, coming back to Langley, pulling into the lot, into her parking space, and traversing the halls to his office. But as soon as she sees him, she remembers every minute of the past decade in the millisecond it takes to launch herself over his threshold and into his arms.

She didn't realize she's come to him for his blessing.

Nor did she realize he'll never give it.

But she knows as soon as she pulls back from their embrace she's made an error in judgement.

Even after they part, she feels the prickle of his beard on her cheek. It's a sensation she recognizes well now, after all these years. It's familiar and instantly comforting. And as she inhales the subtle spice of his cologne, she realizes she is on the other side of something now, like a veil has settled between them. Swallowing hard, she slips her hands up to straighten his tie as she's done so many times before. It's staggering how easy they are with one another, even in such close proximity. It's more than that, really. Somehow, in a business where it is best to say things in as few words as possible, they've developed a whole other language. From little touches, light as spun sugar that melt as soon as they land on the tongue, to fiercely strong, almost suffocating embraces that can be felt hours later, like the aftermath of a storm- they have figured ways to communicate their limitless needs and desires without a single vibration of their voice box.

She's fluent in several languages, but she realizes this one, this private device she shares with Saul, might be her favorite.

He reads the look in her eyes. He sees the tears. He throws a Hail Mary and offers her a job. As they walk down the hall, the veil between them grows thicker until it is like a wall of clouds, ready to rage.

"You can't do this," Saul states.

"Why?"

"You can't have it both ways."

"I know, but, I've had a taste of the other side, of a more balanced life, Saul. And it's so good! How can you not want that for me? If you care for me like you say you do, how can you not want me to have that?"

"What you have with Brody isn't balance, Carrie," he huffs. His hands splay in anger by his side and then clench into fists. "If you think fucking a terrorist makes your life more balanced you're even more delusional than I ever could have imagined."

"That's a low blow," she gulps through the thick tears in her throat.

"Nah, it's the truth. You cannot be with him!"

"What the fuck, Saul? What the actual fuck?" She shakes her head and starts to turn, but then turns back. "You know, I think you'd be pissed if it were anyone! You don't care that it's Brody, per se. You're jealous because I have someone, because I've managed to forge a real connection in this fucked up job and now I want more than doom watches and running for my life."

"If you stay with Brody, your entire life will be doom watches and running for your life, Carrie. How could I want that for you?" His eyes soften and he looks at her with genuine sorrow.

"Truth is, you don't want anything for me that isn't you or the Agency." Carrie hisses. "You're being jealous and petty because you're alone and you'll always be alone! And you're furious because I had the guts to step out of my role here and take a chance for once. I'm done following in your footsteps, Saul, and just because you've fucked up things with Mira and presumably every other human being in your orbit, doesn't mean I have to! I don't like being alone anymore. In fact, I can't stand it. You like it, good for you, but I've got to be honest with you, it doesn't look great." She finishes her declaration in a gust of breath and then draws up her shoulders. Her nostrils flare and she licks her lips as she awaits his response. He looks like he is going to hit her. His big hand is open at his hip and his thick fingers twitch. She can tell he wants to smack her, hard, right across her face.

His ragged breath heaves, but he does not hit her. His sable eyes blaze, but he relaxes and rolls back his shoulders. "You don't know a fucking thing about me or my life, Carrie. And you don't know anything about love if you believe, if you honestly believe, for one minute that this fluffy shared psychosis you have with Brody is it. You are the smartest and the stupidest fucking person I've ever met, and if you do this you're throwing your life away." He turns and strides angrily down the hall.

It isn't the first time Saul has walked away from her like this, but as she watches his broad back become smaller and then disappear behind a door, she realizes it might be the last.

It isn't the first time she's wished Saul wouldn't walk away from her like this, in a passionate disagreement, but this time feels different. This time, he's left her on the other side of a wall that has turned to stone between them. A sob rising in her chest, she stands there, by herself, suddenly aware there is no one else on the planet with whom she can communicate in her favorite language.


End file.
